Your Response is your Response-ability

People talk about how easily their buttons can get pushed, particularly when they are feeling challenged or stressed.  What this generally means is that they are aware that there are situations or people that can elicit a particular response within them.  “He makes me feel like this”; “her behaviour made me lash out”.  Our culture encourages a mindset that supports the belief that other people can ‘make you’ feel a certain way.  We learn it early in childhood when our parents tell us that our behaviour makes them angry, or sad. We are told that if we behave nicely, we will make our parents feel happy.

The reality is that people do things; people say things or people behave in certain ways. Your response belongs to you. It is you who responds. 

Some responses are the result of inescapable programming and that is as it should be, especially when we are responding to threats.  What I am referring to in this article though, is the habitual pattern that can develop in relationships, often as a result of negative thinking; whether it is relationship with your partner, your work colleague or even a neighbour.

Some people really bristle at the suggestion that they themselves are responsible for their own response to others. I can understand why, but I also understand that when a person is able to fully acknowledge that this is the case – even if they have not yet learned to change it, they are immediately stepping into the arena of feeling more in control.

Think about it – for as long as you are sub-consciously telling yourself that it is the other person who ‘pushes your buttons’ and ‘makes you feel like this’ you are giving away your power.  You are saying ‘I am powerless’.  Most people will put all their efforts into trying to change the other person, whether by coercion or persuasion. You don’t need me to tell you that you cannot change other people and the more you try, the more powerless you will feel.

Response is an ability and when you accept responsibility for your response, you will feel more in control and more empowered. When you become more conscious of the unhelpful patterns that are driving you and make a conscious effort to change them, you will feel as though it is an ability rather than a pattern.

How do you make this shift?  For most people it will be a slow process of trying.  This is the nature of patterns.  Patterns are formed through repetition, so in order to form a new, more empowered pattern you have to keep repeating the desired behaviour.  So, for a while it may feel like a labour.

1. Accept responsibility for your response-ability.
2. Understand why you want to change it – what’s in it for you?
3. Get to know the unhelpful patterns and be clear about what will be different when you have successfully changed them.
4. Find any positive aspect of the other person, no matter how small, and give it your full focus. If you really cannot find one single good thought about them, make one up!
5. Take care of your basic needs.  Relax regularly.  Breathe regularly.
6. Practice, practice, practice.
7. Don’t expect perfection, just expect the best.

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A New Slant on Fear of the Dentist!

For as long as I can remember, I was dogged by that commonly crippling affliction known as dental phobia. Paradoxically, this tended to result in a foolish neglect of my teeth and inevitably meant that the need for dental treatment became unavoidable and was always torturously extensive. It was when I began my training as a hypnotherapist that I learned how to transform that fear into something entirely manageable.

Some time ago, I noticed that one of my many amalgam fillings had a crack the size of the San Andreas Fault so, supported by my smug awareness that ‘I can do the dentist’, I headed off for the emergency dental appointment. With all my phobia management techniques firmly in place, I sat in the chair taking deep, relaxing breaths while the dentist selected his sharpest (it seemed to me) instrument to assess the depth of the crack. Once he’d established that the fissure was not actually causing me any physical discomfort, he told me that it was not an emergency so I should make another appointment and come back.

So now, here’s a mixture of relief and concern, as I recalled a colleague once telling me of the dangers of amalgam fillings and potential mercury poisoning. My dentist seemed unconcerned, though I couldn’t get the thought from my mind.

When I got home, I booted up the google engine and did some checking. What I found is that, as always with the internet, there is a whole raft of information and misinformation out there. However, my attention was caught by this:

I guess that until there is a unified position from all the so-called health watchdogs, it’s up to us to make our own minds up based on how we feel. In my personal case, I’d become aware of a general malaise that’d been around me for a couple of weeks and it seemed plausible that I could be becoming toxic. I was getting headaches and nausea and I also felt as though my eyesight was weaker. Eventually, after much searching, I found a dentist who would safely remove the offending filling and replace it with a clean, safe alternative. Since the treatment, my headaches have stopped. The nausea has lessened and is continuing to do so. The amalgam replacement cost me £200 and, despite being a national health dental patient, I want to tell you that it’s just about the best £200 I’ve ever spent.

If dental amalgam is of concern to you, find out as much as you can about it and search for a dentist that can safely remove it. I was prepared to travel to Portsmouth to Cathedral Dental Practice as they came highly recommended.

I also found this to be very interesting http://www.klinghardtacademy.com/images/stories/neurotoxin/NeurotoxinProtocol_Jan06.pdf

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Globally Accessible Psychotherapy, Counselling & Coaching

A new service is now available, making Mary Condell available all over the world!

If you have mobility issues or simply do not live close enough to attend a session in my office, you can now make use of internet technology to benefit from a session with me. The only requirement is that you speak fluent English.

What is Skype?

Skype is a program that uses the internet to make calls and video calls, as well as allowing you to send texts and files. Currently there are around 340 million registered users around the world. With Skype, you can call to any other Skype user in the world connected to the internet, landlines and mobile phones. Calls between computers are completely free when both parties have downloaded the Skype facility.

A Skype session with Mary Condell is easy to set up.

• Contact me to arrange an appointment time.
• Visit the ‘pay-online’ page of my website and pay for the session.
• At the appointed time, I will make the call to you.

If you are unsure about whether this medium is right for you, we can arrange a free assessment session for you, giving you the chance to get the feel for it.

Read through the website and think about how a Skype session with me can benefit you.

Call me on 01273 500136 or email marycondell@gmail.com to arrange your Skype session.

Have a Life That Works

One of the most important ways to maintain a sense of well being and live a life that works, is to keep finding new challenges, no matter how small. 

Anyone who has ever suffered from depression will know that there is often an overwhelming sense of stagnation with little hope that things can change.  When I am working with clients or students and I ask them “what would you like to change?”, most are able to name their goal as happiness, confidence, self-esteem; or they tell me that they would like to feel more in control of their life.

The interesting thing about these goals as they are usually expressed, is that they are fairly abstract. For as long as a person is stuck in the thought, “I just want to be happy” without further exploration of what that means, it’s just wishful thinking. 

In order to be able to move toward a goal of ‘happiness’ or ‘confidence’, it is important to understand what that means to you.  How will you know when you are happy?  For example, what will be different about the choices you make, or the way you communicate? Maybe you will find it easier to enjoy your job or perhaps you will make more time to enjoy being with the kids.  What will you be doing differently when you have more confidence?  Perhaps you would apply for that job or feel more relaxed about chatting to people.

When a person is suffering from depressive thoughts or anxieties, they generally feel as though there is a lack of satisfaction in life or that they have lost touch with their sense of purpose or meaning.  We all need to feel that our lives have meaning; it is one of our basic human needs.  If we consistently neglect our basic needs, it can result in a loss of motivation, a loss of meaning and emotional distress.  This is an open doorway to addiction and other emotional problems.

A good psychotherapist will not only help you to identify your missing needs but will encourage and support you in your efforts to set appropriate goals.

Before reading the information about goal setting, find out more about basic human needs

Goal Setting 

Having a clearly defined goal is like setting out on a journey with a good map with all the milestones marked out for you.  When you know where you are going, you can plan the route. Having a map not only helps you to identify progress, but also to notice when you have gone off course. 

If you have been feeling that things are out of control or that you are a bit lost, it can sometimes be too overwhelming to make big changes. Setting good goals will help you to break it down into manageable chunks.

Being able to set and achieve goals is a fantastic life skill.  By learning and using the skill of goal setting, we develop habits that lead to successful outcomes and lives that work.

 Maintaining a goal setting routine helps you to notice and enjoy your successes, no matter how small or insignificant they may seem at the time.  Noticing small successes allows you to spend time away from your problems and also improves your self-perception.

Before you begin to think about your goals, bear in mind that they should be SMART

Simple Measurable Achievable Realistic Timescaled

Simple – avoid complicated goals (for now)

Measurable – decide how you will know that you are making progress

Achievable – there’s no point deciding that you will climb Everest by Friday afternoon because the chances of that happening are quite slim.

Realistic – be realistic about what you can achieve, how and by when.  What are you able to influence and what is outside your control (for now)?

Timescaled – always set a time or date by which you will have achieved your goal (keeping in mind all of the above).  If you leave it too open ended you will just be making room for procrastination – which is when the goal is relegated to the realms of wishes.

Step 1             Define your reasons for wanting the outcome- build motivation.

Step 2             Define your SMART goal.

Step 3             Define the steps towards the outcome.

Step 4             Allow optimism – what have you got to lose?

If you would like to know more, or you would like help in establishing and achieving some goals, call to arrange an appointment.

National Stop Smoking Day

Stop Smoking with Hypnotherapy

A Powerful combination of Hypnosis & Psychotherapy to set you free for good

Every year we have a National Stop Smoking day but if you are thinking about quitting cigarettes for good or have been mulling it over for a while now, this might be a good opportunity to put a plan into action. Your chances of success will be greatly improved by good preparation and planning and this guide will help you do that.

 If you are already a non-smoker, pass this message on – you could be saving a life!

Here are some self-help tips to get you started.

Step 1:  Building Motivation

Before deciding on your approach to becoming a non-smoker, it is important to understand that you have a far greater chance of success if you take responsibility for the process. The only person who will stop you from smoking is you. No amount of endless cold turkey deprivation will succeed if you are resisting the idea, or are not determined and committed.  You will spend every day in a feeling of struggle, hoping that you can last the course but eventually the struggle will wear you down. 

 The best chance of success comes from being well motivated.  The more you identify with your reasons to stop, the more likely it is that you will experience pleasure at the thought of being a non-smoker, rather than fear or resentment. 

 Make a list of reasons why you are looking forward to being a non-smoker – e.g. health, finances, family etc.   You can build a supportive state of mind by giving thorough and detailed thought to each motive.

Take each reason one at a time and explore it in great detail so that you get a real sense of what you will be gaining – what you are giving yourself.  This is a powerful weapon against the deprivation attitude and fear that often accompanies attempts to stop addictive behaviour. 

Why do I want it?  What will I gain?

What will I feel like when I have succeeded? 

What will be the best thing about being healthier? 

What will the healthier me be doing, that the smoking me cannot?

What will I enjoy about that? 

Who will be the most surprised that I have successfully quit smoking? 

Who will be the most pleased?

How will my appearance change? 

How will my behaviour change?

How will success affect my self-esteem?

When I am free from the financial burden of smoking, how will I use that money?

Visualise yourself six months on, when it is difficult to imagine that you were ever a smoker.

You get the idea?  Really paint a picture of success and let these thoughts overpower the doubts or fears.  The negative thoughts are just the addiction fighting for survival.

 Choose your words carefully.  Avoid expressing it as ‘giving up’ because that confirms a deprivation mindset. “I’ve decided to quit” or “I have stopped” are stronger statements to support your decision.

 “I must say despite my doubts you have cemented this philosophy of NON-SMOKER firmly into my conscious/subconscious/internalized mind and I thankyou for that gift. I felt completely comfortable and with you and knew instantly you were someone I could trust. I have handed out your card to several of my friends and I think you may get a few calls when they are ready. Once again thankyou and that’s from my daughter aswell”
D.B. Brighton

Step 2: Set a date

Choose a date to begin, avoiding potentially difficult or stressful times.  If you have a friend or colleague who is thinking about quitting, consider teaming up for mutual support.

Step 3:  Know Your Triggers & Routines

As much as is possible, you should aim to change your routines so that there are fewer triggered reminders about smoking.  So, if you used to make a cup of tea and then stand by the window to smoke while drinking it, change the routine. Make the tea and go to another room. If you can’t change the routine, it helps to have a substitute behaviour. So, if you used to smoke in the car on the way to work, have a bottle of water with you and substitute sipping for puffing.

Hi Mary, Just to let you know my session worked perfectly and since I have been on a few big nights out without the want or need to light up and I (with your help) have quit the annoying habit for good. I am very pleased so thank you. LG, Madrid

Step 4:  Fill the void

Each cigarette uses up about 10 minutes of your time, so when you stop smoking you will find that you have time on your hands.  If you don’t have a plan, you will feel restless and at a loose end and you may mistake these feelings for cravings. 

Take more exercise, do those DIY jobs, take up a creative activity, learn a musical instrument, get more involved with what the kids are doing, read, write, do yoga or be more experimental with you cooking. Make a list of the things that will help you.

Step 5: Understand Cravings

When you have stopped smoking, a craving is the way that your body lets you know that your toxins levels are falling and nicotine is leaving your body. Your body is simply alerting you to the changes.

Nicotine is addictive and cravings can be uncomfortable.  But just how strong are those cravings? There’s no physical pain in nicotine withdrawal.  It’s a restless emptiness, a feeling of something missing. It’s interesting to note that most smokers are able to sleep through 8 hours without a nicotine craving waking them every hour for a cigarette.  People often tell me that when they know they are going somewhere where they will not be allowed to smoke, like the cinema, or visiting non-smokers, or long haul plane journeys, they are able to be quite comfortable with not smoking.

If you can think of a similar situation that applies to you, then ask yourself “how do I that?” How do I not smoke?  Just take a moment now to think about the times when you have been able to not smoke. 

A craving is just a feeling that has a very short life span. It has a beginning, a middle and an end and on average last for about 10 seconds.  When you are determined to stop smoking, ten seconds is quite do-able. If you experience a craving, what you really need to do is fully distract yourself for that time and any noticeable feeling will subside.  The more you are able to do this, the less the feeling will occur.

“My friends can’t believe it! They said that if you can stop me smoking, you can stop anyone!”
J.T. Brighton

Step 5:  Challenge Limiting Beliefs

Listen to your own limiting beliefs about smoking.  Here are a few typical examples:

“It relieves boredom”.  How?  We know smoking is not interesting.

“It helps my concentration”.  In reality, smoking is a distraction behaviour.

It gives me something to do with my hands”  ok, but what else could you do? Is that cigarette really worth risking your life just so you have something to do with your hands?

“It’s a treat and gives me time for me”.  Well, we all need to treat ourselves but how else could you achieve the same result without playing Russian roulette with your health?

“It relieves stress”.  No it doesn’t. Smoking adds to the stress.

“It helps me to relax”.    When a person smokes a cigarette, they breathe deeply when they inhale which means that there is an increase in the amount of oxygen being breathed deep down into the lungs. (50% of what you inhale is oxygen, 50% is toxic).  The oxygen assists a feeling of pleasure or satisfaction. When the smoker exhales, they tend to make an extended out-breath.  The long exhale is connected to the parasympathetic nervous system and signals to the brain to release a feeling of calm.  So, it’s got nothing to do with the smoking, it’s the breathing pattern of the smoker that creates relaxation.

7/11 Breathing

Use this 7/11 breathing technique as a way of helping you through the first few days or weeks of successful non-smoking.

Begin by emptying your lungs with a long slow exhale.  Then, when the lungs begin to breathe in, keep the breath slow and steady and count to 7.  Then breathe out, slowly counting to 11.  As you breathe out, imagine you have a candle in front of you and that your breath will flicker the flame but not blow it out.  Repeat 10 times and try to do it five times a day – or when you might be thinking about cigarettes.

It takes practice so persevere.  You can practice this from time to time, whenever you think of it.  On the bus, while doing the washing up – any time, anywhere.

 Another thing that you can do when you are practising this breathing technique is to really imagine yourself as a happy non-smoker. Visualise success at every opportunity and this will help you to manage any doubting thoughts.

Decide How

If you don’t want to try the cold turkey approach, there are a number of other methods available, such as Nicotine Replacement Therapy (patches & sprays) Anti-smoking pills (Zyban & Chantix). According to NHS published quarterly reports on effectiveness of these treatments, figures show that after 4 weeks 38% of smokers have successfully quit. This figure drops to 18% beyond the 3 month period.  It’s also worth considering that these methods do nothing to shift the addictive mindset and do not minimise the risk of substitute behaviours such as over-eating.

 Counselling therapies such as CBT and have a good success rate as they help you to challenge the smoker’s mindset.

Hypnotherapy is your best chance

In the largest study ever of its kind, results from the University of Iowa (Oct 1992 issue of The Journal of Applied Psychology) revealed that hypnosis was the most effective way of quitting smoking.  It is three times more effective than patches and sprays and 15 times more effective than willpower.  These findings came from statistics combining 600 studies of over 72,000 people from America and Europe.

 The use of Solution Focused Psychotherapy and Hypnotherapy is a powerful combination that, on average has around 65% success rate.  This approach not only helps you to change the way you have been thinking about smoking but also helps to bypass self-doubt and limiting beliefs for future success  This approach really strengthens your resolve.

Make an appointment

Call me to arrange an appointment.  See my Stop Smoking page for further information and testimonials.

Stay Stopped

Aside from all of the things mentioned above, when you quit smoking it is really important to make sure that you are getting your basic needs met.

New Year Resolutions?

At this time of year most of us tend to think about changes that we would like to experience over the coming year.  Often our New Year resolutions are driven by dissatisfaction with weight, health or lifestyle so we set about making ‘deprivation’ intentions for ourselves and hope we get through it.

In a recent study, psychologist Dr Richard Wiseman found that only a quarter of us ever achieve our New Year goals.  Significantly, those who succeed are the ones who made a plan.

A goal without a plan is a wish.

Step 1.  Specifics

Decide what you would like to achieve this year. This is quite different from deciding what you want to ‘give up’. It’s about an attitude of giving something to yourself, rather than taking something away.  If you end up with a whole list of things, ask yourself “which will make the greatest difference to me” and then choose one.

As much as is possible, try to make your goal something that you want to do, rather than something you should do.

Step 2. Motivation

If you don’t lock in to a real motivation, it will be harder to achieve the goal. When exploring motivation, avoid telling yourself what you don’t want and emphasise what you do want.  E.g. “I don’t want to be fat”, or “I don’t want to die young” could be more helpfully expressed by “I want to be slim” or “I want to be healthy”. 

Why do you want it? How will you benefit? What will be the best thing about it? Who else will benefit from you achieving it?  Who will be surprised when you achieve it?

Get a piece of paper and write a list of 10 reasons why you are really looking forward to achieving your goal.  Each reason should be written as:

I am looking forward to (goal) because……………………..

When you have the list, put it somewhere prominent so that you have a daily reminder of what you are looking forward to achieving.

Step 3. Plan

Once you have your goal, think about it in more detail. How achievable is this goal? Does it need to be broken down into manageable steps to give it a better chance?  If so, what are the steps? Are you realistic with your target?  Be clear in your mind about how long it will take to fully achieve your goal.

E.g. – If you decide to get more exercise, it would be unrealistic to set a target of running 20K a day from Jan 1.  It may be that you could tell yourself  ‘by this time next year, I will be able to run 20K a day’.  Look at your current level of fitness, be realistic about fitting a daily run  into your schedule, and decide on what is achievable in the short term. As that fitness improves, you can modify the plan.

Step 4.  Resources

What do you need in order to achieve your goal?

If you are going to get fit, do you need any equipment?

If you are going to lose weight, have you got an eating and exercise plan?

If you are going to get your finances under control, where will you get advice?

If you’ve decided to watch less TV, what will you be doing instead?

If you’ve always associated smoking with being able to relax, how else will you relax when you don’t smoke?

Don’t forget that other people are a wonderful resource because they can support and encourage you.  Enlist the support of helpful friends or family.

Step 5.  Obstacles

Consider the possible obstacles that may thwart success and spend some time planning how you will avoid or overcome those obstacles.

Step 6.  Measuring

Some goals take longer to achieve than others and this can make it harder to stay focussed.  If you have decided to lose 2 stone by the summer, set up some shorter- term, monthly or weekly goals that will help you to measure and appreciate your success.

Whatever your goal, keep a clear thought about how you measure your success and appreciate the benefits of your efforts. Focus on what you are getting out of it rather than on what you are doing without.

Keep referring back to your 10 reasons why you are doing this.

Step 7.  Flexibility

One of the most common reasons why people stop trying to achieve their resolutions, is that they have a day or two of failing and then figure they’ve blown it so may as well stop.  When making your plan, include a realistic flexibility that allows for the odd day when you can’t or don’t feel like it.

Step 8.  Acknowledgement

Remember to congratulate yourself for your efforts, no matter how small they may be. If things get a little difficult sometimes, focus on what you have achieved rather than what you haven’t.

It’s all about a state of mind. 

If you would like some help with making changes this year, call me to discuss how Solution Focused Coaching and Hypnosis can help you.

 Have a wonderful 2010.